


Desiderium

by alyssaasuzanne



Category: Gangsta. (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Benriya | Handymen (Gangsta), F/M, POV Alex Benedetto, Prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29726934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyssaasuzanne/pseuds/alyssaasuzanne
Summary: Alex still gets a couple of customers.
Relationships: Alex Benedetto/Nicolas Brown
Kudos: 12





	Desiderium

**Author's Note:**

> This my first Gangtsa fanfic, i hope i did ok.
> 
> In the manga when Worick see's Alex with a wad of cash asks if she 'turnt a trick' and in the show he asks if she had a customer.  
> Idk if she actually did or not, so i wrote this.

Alex still gets a couple of customers.

Alex’s sadness comes in waves, one moment she feels ok and then she feels like she’s drowning in herself. To be fair her brain is so clouded that’s all she can really feel without notice.  
Sometimes she’s drowning and can’t even tell, when she was taking TB all she could feel was physical pain.  
It was something to feel instead of mind numbing emptiness she supposed.

Things had to be different now. Barry was gone and she could finally feel things besides fresh bruises and sprained wrists. She was making her own money now without having to hand over a large portion. 

Everything was different but it still felt the same. She still got the same customers but she no longer had to stand around in dark lonely alleyways, she could do it in the safety and comfort of Worick and Nic’s apartment.  
Her customers were still the same though. Always rough, always so callous towards her. She wasn’t forcing them to sleep with her, all she asked of them was to pay and leave out the back door and they couldn’t even do that. They’d often try to bargain, insist what she was offering was far too expensive. She no longer had to give in though, if they didn’t want to pay full price then they could leave. She didn’t need money that badly for once.  
The money wasn’t the worst part, it didn’t matter if they paid or not as long as they left inconspicuously. Most of them did it, went in and out unnoticed.

Once she had a man over for a bit, she told him the price and he paid all. Then instead of going through the back door like she’d asked he walked into the living room. This might’ve been ok if she was home alone, but Nicolas was sitting on the couch.

“What the? There’s a guy in here.”

“You have a fucking boyfriend?” 

The question panned through her ears. Nicolas hadn’t heard him, but he was in his line of view so he glanced over, with the glare that was seemingly etched into his face.

Alex had rushed over to the man so quickly, telling him that this part of the place was off limits and he had to go through the back door.

“Get out of here!” She said loudly, tugging him away from the living room and what she assumed Nicolas's judgemental stare.

As soon as the man left Alex uttered out an apology, not knowing how to sign “I’m sorry”  
She knew he didn’t hear it but hopefully he could read her lips. Knowing he wouldn’t say anything to her she hurried back to Worick’s room.  
Shame washed into the room. Not only was she using her friend’s room to do disgusting things, she’d disrupted whatever Nicolas had been doing. 

Worick always said he didn’t mind, as long as she didn’t leave a mess. He did very similar activities every once in a while too. He’d always had more comfort than she had though. Being slapped around in alleyways and groped against walls was worse in her mind than borrowing Worick’s bedroom for an hour at most.  
She always cleaned the sheets as soon as it was over.

Now she laid down in her bed, her arm draped over her head exhausted. It wasn’t really her bed, it was The Handyman's couch that Worick had put a pillow and blanket on.

It was nice, it was finally quiet for once. Whenever she was entertaining a customer she played the old busted up radio player she’d found. Alex played the music as loud as it could go, blasting rap songs. Worick was never really around when she had customers, either doing some handymen work with Nic or at his other job.  
Nicolas couldn’t hear what was going on in the room, rap music or not.

The music still played. Screaming out of the crackling speakers.

Alex opened her eyes, staring at the ceiling. Both Nicolas and Worick were home, both off doing their own thing. Nicolas’ thing seemed to be staring out the window, while Worick was off in his room sleeping on his clean sheets. Alex just laid on the couch, waiting for the phone to ring. That was her job after all, answering the phone for the two.

The quiet comfort was interrupted with harsh knocking on the door. 

Nicolas watched out of the corner of his eye as Alex got up and looked through the little peep in the door.

He raised his eyebrow slightly, the look in his face asking who was at the door. 

“Nobody, don’t worry about it.” Alex said with a small smile. 

The incessant knocking continued, long enough for Worick to leave his room and open the door, hand on the back of his neck, clearly still tired.

“Halo? What can I do for ya?” 

Alex peeked over the couch. She’d hoped he would just tire himself and go away but apparently not.

Nicolas leaned his head slightly to get a better look at the guy. He immediately recognized him as one of Alex’s guests. The one who had walked in on him in the living room.

“Yeah. When I was here I brought my wallet, now it’s gone. That girl took it.” The man said, spitting out the words with rage.  
Walking over slowly, hiding behind Worick Alex wracked her brain for his wallet. She couldn’t remember it.

Worick turned his head to Alex “Hey Ally, did you take this guy’s wallet?”

Alex shook her head, practically hiding behind Worick.

“She said she didn’t, so she didn’t. Maybe you misplaced it.”

“I didn’t misplace it! She went through my fuckin stuff while I wasn’t looking and stole it!” His voice was getting higher and spittier as he got angrier.  
“There was nearly 400 hundred cash.” He continued to glare at Alex.

“Why would I need to take that?” Alex muttered, her first words since he’d come back.

“Just give me my fucking money back you fucking whore.” That word had been repeated to her so many times before it was now monotonous to her ears.  
“That’s theft you can go to jail.” He added, in a threatening tone.

“Look bud, we can call the cops and we can tell them what you say she did, and we can tell them what you were doing on the premise.” Worick defended, his tone still the same.

The man looked to the side tightening his mouth. He backed away giving a quick last glare to Alex. Pushing her luck, she stuck her tongue out at him.  
“Whatever. And this place isn’t a ‘premise’ it’s a fucking dump.” He snarled as he stalked off.

“Thanks Worick.” Alex said softly before walking back and plopping into the same place on the couch.

“Yeah yeah, I’m the greatest.” Worick chuckled, resting his hands on behind his head.

Worick walked over to Nicolas and began sighing while talking so both Nicolas and Alex could understand.

“I’m gonna go do the job we got called in for, it’s simple enough to do on my own.” Right. She’d answered the phone earlier about a job for the two. Knowing it would escape her brain, she wrote it down on a notepad for Worick.

“Can you stay and make sure that creep doesn’t come back and bother Alex?”

Alex looked up. She didn’t need a babysitter, she was a grown woman and could look after herself.

But when Nicolas shrugged his shoulders, agreeing to stay she decided it wasn’t too bad.  
Nicolas usually avoided Alex, often ignoring her and leaving her questions unanswered.  
She didn’t have to interact with him, he’d made it clear that she’d need to work on signing before.

Worick soon left Alex and Nicolas alone together, waving a goodbye as he walked out the door and disappeared.

Getting up and grabbing a bottle of Coke was almost a second nature to her by this point. It’d become a sort of routine.  
She’d drink half of it before leaving it on the desk, go find her personal phone, and contact whoever had wanted her for an hour. 

As soon as he answered the phone she could hear the lust in his voice.  
“What car are you driving?” She’ll ask.  
She tells him where she lives, reminding him to come through the back door and that she’ll be waiting for him. Whoever it is she always waits at the back door for them, most of the time she’ll read the learning sign book. 

The clothes she’s wearing are so much more different than from when she was with Barry. With Barry she always wore short tight dresses that showed off her bruises, but now she chooses to wear tube fabric tops and jean shorts. No one can see her bruises anymore, they’ve long since healed.

She hears the guy knock on the door twice, quickly opening it and leans against the door frame.

When he’s in the room she clicks the radio on.

“Why don’t you turn that shit off?” He asks annoyed. He’s a tall guy with a bit of a beer belly and an unshaven face. They all look the same to her at this point. His scowl deepens when she doesn’t listen to his request.

“Can we please keep it on?” She asks quietly. Alex has always tried to be quiet. Be quiet and take up as little space as possible.

‘Whatever, He says curtly, rolling his eyes.

The music is blaring into her ears until it’s all she can focus on. It’s all she knows during the moment. She separates her mind from her body until it’s gone.  
Just like every time she does it.  
Then it’s over. 

The money’s on the drawer and he’s dressed leaving and mouth no longer frowning but smirking. She still feels dirty after all this time. The only way she can be clean is if she cleans up.

“Thanks. I’ll see you later.” She shouldn’t dread those words as much as she does.

“Bye.”

As Alex begins stripping the bed she wonders why she does this to herself. She tells herself it’s for the money, but deep down she knows it’s not that.  
She thought maybe it was a way to give one last middle finger to Barry, prove she is something without him.  
It’s not that either, unfortunately. 

She realized it once, when she was awake at night running through thoughts in her mind. She tried to forget it as soon as it came into her head. Desperately trying to push it out.

Alex wished she could be confident and unashamed like Nicolas and Worick. Remembering how Nic would lazily watch her and how he stood. Shame came so naturally to her though, that’s why she still did it.  
It was a way of hurting herself again and again. It was like a drug. 

She feels her heart tighten at the realization again.  
The bed is still half unmade, waiting to be cleaned and forget about the disgusting things she did in it. Only to remember them all over again.

She looks over her shoulder quickly when she hears a noise. Nicolas is leaning against the doorframe like how she had been earlier, but it’s nothing like how she was. She’d been timid and small, but trying to look appealing to the customer.

Nicolas is lazily leaning his head and shoulder against it. He looked at her, staying by the door in a languid position.

She looks at him before signing one of the things she’d seen in the book earlier.

“help?”  
Alex thinks it’s funny she can sign for help but can’t sign an apology.

She does it, even if it takes her a second to identify the movements. 

“Please?” She asks weakly, afraid he’ll scoff or roll his eyes.  
He moves over to her, refusing to look at her again.

As he bends down to the drawer and takes out the second pair of sheets Alex takes the rest of the crumpled sheets off the bed and folds them in her arms.  
Nic drops the second pair onto the mattress before taking the folded pile from Alex’s hands to the overflowing laundry basket.  
She’ll have to do the laundry sometime. Not today though, she’s tired. 

After they both finish the bed Nic glances to her pile of money on top of the drawer. It was next to the handkerchief he’d gifted her. It was also next to the sign language book.

Holding in a bitter laugh she looked down. How stupid those were the most important things to her and she kept them atop a busted drawer.. Alex always felt bad about getting the handkerchief dirty, but it made her feel better when she rubbed the tears from her eyes and dirt from herself with its softness.

Alex taps on his shoulder, moving his attention from the drawer.

“Thank you.” She says as she signs the movement. That’s the one word she knows she got right, even though she never learnt it from the book.

“You don’t need to wash them everytime you know.” He says out loud in his usual slurred rough words.  
Alex raises the eyebrows in surprise. Nicolas never really talks.

“I know but I-” Just as she’s about to finish her sentence Nicolas walks out the room and down into the living room ending the conversation. She watches him, still inside the bedroom as he picks up the half empty Coke bottles and puts them in the sink.

He could be neat when he wanted to be. He had this aurora about him that reeked of coolness and confidence. 

Alex had always hated herself, she felt like piles of shame and guilt that had morphed into the space of a person.

Maybe tomorrow she wouldn’t hate herself so much. Maybe tomorrow she’d stop punishing herself.

She looked at the calendar Worick had at the head of the bed. Tomorrow would have to wait, she had a customer coming soon.


End file.
